


i never promised you a rose garden

by LowInHighSchool



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-04-30 23:06:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14507460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowInHighSchool/pseuds/LowInHighSchool
Summary: he can still remember how it started, but he can't pinpoint the moment it got so bad. So obsessive.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> woops i think i'm slightly manic still because i just want to write omgg and my brain's so fast! fun times :D anyway yeah i've written something similar before but deleted it haha but hopefully this is better :p 
> 
> (oli will be in it, if i can be bothered to carry it on)

Granit can still remember how it started.

It was a medical when he was at Basel, the doctor had suggested he lose a few pounds and Granit was shocked. He could play the full 90 minutes just fine, and sure he’d treat himself occasionally but it wasn’t like he pigged out every night.

(Later he comes to learn that particular doctor was fired, but by that point it doesn’t matter)

He goes home and weighs himself immediately and is surprised to learn he’s gained a couple of pounds. Not many by any stretch and if he remembers correctly he is still in his healthy weight range.

But even so, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to lose a couple of pounds.

Over the next few weeks he tries. He watches what he eats and throws out any junk food. 

Yes, that was when it started but even so he can’t pinpoint the moment it got so bad, so obsessive. 

Maybe it started when he began to weigh himself every day. Or when he started to count calories. Or that time he opted for salad during a team night out and then only ate half because he worried he’d gone over his calorie limit for that day.

And of course he’s working out a lot. The team are in the gym or training most days, just like normal.

Granit doesn’t even remember when he started to get dizzy during an hour long workout. 

And then he passes out. He’s feeling dizzier than normal and he thinks to himself he better sit down and then…

His eyes open a few minutes later and he’s on the ground, the concerned faces of his teammates looking at him.

Of course his brother freaks out. Why did he just faint like that? It’s not warm, and they’d only been training for 10 minutes.

(Granit knows it’s because he just had coffee for breakfast and water for dinner the night before, although of course he doesn’t say that)

He just shrugs and says he’d been feeling a bit funny all morning. He’s kind of annoyed when they tell him to go home though and makes a mental note to put in an extra session at the gym. 

Taulant finds out of course, Granit was still out of it when he’d asked what he’d eaten recently and told the truth.

“That’s all?” Taulant had asked, concern in his eyes. Granit had nodded sleepily and then realised what he’d said.

“Wait no…”

“I’m going to get you some soup”

Granit’s too tired to argue so just lies there in his brother’s bed and lets Taulant fuss around him for the next couple of days.

It’s then something clicks in his brain and he realises just how much he’d missed food. And how much he hated passing out, and just generally feeling like crap all the time. 

It takes work of course. It’s still a lot of effort just to eat one meal and a lot of convincing not to overwork in the gym but after a few months and a lot of tears Granit finally feels more like himself.

So yes, that was the start. And hopefully the end. It probably would have been too, but life wasn’t always so kind.


	2. Chapter 2

Taulant had worried about his brother going to Gladbach. He’d been doing well, almost too well, but slip ups were bound to happen and he wanted to be around when they did happen.

Granit assures him he’s fine, he wouldn’t be that far away and he’d visit. Taulant agrees and feels slightly better.

It’s not until he goes to Arsenal things get bad again.

It’s his own fault he has to admit. He shouldn’t have stepped on the scale, hell, he shouldn’t even still have a scale, and he definitely shouldn’t have let it get to him.

He was at a healthy weight and he knew that. But it was quite a few pounds heavier than that day when he’d passed out, and somehow that bothered him.

Before he knows what’s happening he’s digging out his lists he’d written telling him how many calories are in what and throwing out all his junk food.

“I won’t let it get that bad” He promises himself. “I’ll just lose a few pounds”

Maybe he should’ve realised that was a bad sign and that he should call his brother but no. A few pounds wouldn’t hurt and anyway, he’d be more sensible this time.

The only issue now was Olivier. They’d started dating a few months ago, about a month after Granit had arrived at the club. They’d just clicked straight away and after some encouragement from teammates they’d started dating.

Granit had told Olivier about his past issues with food one night after he’d had too much to drink. He’d done his best to reassure him that everything was fine now but he could tell Olivier worried still, gentle encouragements to finish his dinner and offering him an extra snack here and there.

Now Granit wishes he’d just kept his mouth shut. No matter, he’d just have to be careful.

It goes well for a while, Granit makes sure to eat at least a little at each meal so he doesn’t pass out again, but then they decide to move in together.

At the time Granit doesn’t even think about why that would be an issue, he just thinks about how much he loves his boyfriend and agrees to it.

Olivier first gets the idea something’s up when he looks through Granit’s cupboards.

“It’s all so healthy” He can’t help but say. And when he looks closer it’s mainly soup and salad. Where were the carbs? The protein? 

He keeps a careful eye on his boyfriend, watching him like a hawk when he eats. He even offers to do the food shopping. Granit agrees, in case he got suspicious. 

Olivier even does most of the cooking and then Granit has an issue. He doesn’t want to eat it, but he doesn’t want to be rude.

Over the next month he finds himself eating all manner of French cuisine much to his horror. It’s good and if it were a few months ago he’d actually find himself enjoying it but this was now and he hated it.

He makes up for it with extra sessions in the gym and not eating when Olivier’s not around, if he’s around other teammates he’d make excuses. He’d already eaten, he was going to eat when he got home and they seem to buy it.

Then one day they spend the whole day together. It was bound to happen eventually and Granit feels bad that he feels so bad about this but spending the whole day with Olivier means he has to eat normally.

As soon as he wakes up Olivier’s thrusting food at him. Eggs and toast with that weird turkey bacon Olivier likes.

Granit eats it under the watchful eye of his boyfriend and then feels sick. He doesn’t want to think about the calories.

It only gets worse as they have sandwiches and soup for lunch and curry for dinner, along with all manner of snacks. Granit eats as little as it as he can but he can feel Olivier watching.

Granit makes sure to weigh himself after each meal and for the first time thinks about throwing it up. He doesn’t. He knows the health risks and that puts him off.

He needs to punish himself though. He shouldn’t have eaten it, he should’ve thought of an excuse. 

He locks himself in the bathroom and cries for a good 20 minutes. He just wants to do damage. He smashes the glass they have on the sink. He still doesn’t know what it’s there for but Olivier seems keen on keeping it there.

Not anymore.

He smashes it and picks up the biggest piece. He uses it to cut several times on his arm. He at least has the sense to cut higher up so it will be easier to hide.

It does help him calm down and collect his thoughts. There was always tomorrow when Olivier was going out for lunch with other friends. He’d do better tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short chapter i'm afraid!

Of course it doesn’t work out like that. 

After his little breakdown Granit sort of forgets about the cuts. It wasn’t part of his routine, unlike say lounging around shirtless before bed. So that being said he doesn’t think twice about pulling his shirt off.

It’s only the look of shock on Olivier’s face that makes him remember. And then Granit realises he must have some frustration built up still because he bursts into tears.

He ends up telling Olivier everything. About how he loved him but hated him making him eat like this, he was a grown man for god’s sake couldn’t he just let him starve himself in peace?

To his credit Olivier doesn’t freak out. Just holds his boyfriend as he pours his heart out. 

“It’s ok” He says “We’ll sort this”

He takes Granit to bed soon after and then thinks. He’d been trying but it seemed like that wasn’t working. He had guessed what had been going on. Even before Granit had told him.

Now he doesn’t know what to do. Should he take Granit to a doctor? It seemed like a good idea, simply trying to feed him wasn’t doing the trick.

Luckily there’s an on call doctor available 24/7 so he goes downstairs and calls, talking in hushed tones so Granit doesn’t hear.

He’d find out the next day of course but they’d cross that bridge when they came to it.

Soon he has an appointment for after training the next day, and until then, well he’d just hope and pray everything worked out.

He goes to bed soon after and holds his boyfriend close, whispering they’d work this out.

A million and one scenarios flood his mind about the next day but finally, he can sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivier doesn’t know how he expected Granit to react when he tells him he has a doctor’s appointment but he simply sighs and agrees to go.

So at 2:15 here they were, in the club doctor’s waiting room. Granit sits there bouncing his leg and glancing around.

“What if someone sees us? What if it gets out?” He worries aloud.

“They won’t know what we’re here for, it could be anything” Olivier tries to reason.

“Yeah, ok. Yeah”

“You need to calm down ok? You’re going to be fine”

“I know, thank you”

Olivier takes his boyfriend’s hand and they sit until the doctor calls them in. They’re in there for a good 20 minutes, explaining the whole situation. Thankfully the doctor is understanding. He offers counselling once a week and for him to see a dietician. Granit agrees, much to Olivier’s surprise.

“You didn’t have lunch” Olivier says when they get back.

“I wasn’t hungry”

“Are you hungry now?”

“A little”

“I’ll make you something”

“Thanks”

Olivier goes to the kitchen and gets to work making soup, he wishes Granit would eat something a bit more substantial but he knows that’ll come in time so for now this will do.

“Here” He says, bringing the soup and a couple of pieces of bread back into the living room.

“Thanks”

Granit accepts it and starts eating slowly. Olivier tries to focus on his phone but he can’t help glancing at Granit, just making sure he was actually eating.

“Done” Granit says 15 minutes later.

Olivier looks, there was still quite a bit left.

“That’s something” He says “Well done”

“Thanks. I just need the loo”

“You’re not going to throw up are you?”

“No, honestly. That scares me, I just need the loo”

“Ok then, I trust you”

Granit smiles and walks upstairs. He still felt bad even though he knows that’s the first thing he’s eaten all day.

Once in the bathroom he finds the same piece of glass he’d used the night before, he’d managed to hide it before Olivier cleaned the mess.

He thinks of what’s to come, counselling, dietician meetings. He didn’t want this. He’d only agreed because he knew it would make Olivier happy.

He takes his jacket off and sits on the toilet lid. He makes a few more cuts under the ones from yesterday. He does feel a bit better in a sick way. He makes sure to bandage it though, and then he goes back downstairs.

“Done” He says.

“Sure, you didn’t throw up?”

“No, I never did that”

“I know, I was just making sure” Olivier tells him.

“I know”

“Come here”

Granit sits down and Olivier pulls him into his arms.

“Maybe you could eat something later” Olivier suggests.

“Yeah, I’ll see”

“We have chicken in. We could have chicken and potatoes”

“I’ll see” Granit repeats.

“Good”

He does end up eating a little bit. He knows Chicken is fairly healthy, and so are potatoes. Olivier’s feeling a bit better by the time they go to bed. Maybe things would be ok.


	5. Chapter 5

Granit’s up first in the morning. He sneaks out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He knows he has a decision to make here, did he want to get better?

He thinks it through and no, he doesn’t. He enjoys this in a strange sort of way. He’d have to be careful. He knew Olivier would be watching him like a hawk for the foreseeable future and he doesn’t want to worry him.

He feels bad, lying to him, but he doesn’t see any other choice.

He weighs himself and makes a mental note of the number. He tries not to freak out when it’s a few pounds heavier than before.

He sneaks back into the bedroom and finds a notebook. He was the kind of person to buy any notebook he thought was pretty or cool, even though he really didn’t have use for them. That being said he had a decent supply of them.

He takes one out the draw and a pen and he writes down his weight and a calorie limit for the day, then he goes downstairs for breakfast.

He boils the kettle and looks through the cupboards and fridge, eventually settling on a low fat yoghurt. He eats it slowly before pouring himself coffee.

He’s sat drinking his coffee when Olivier comes downstairs.

“Morning” Olivier says.

“Morning”

“Breakfast?”

“Already had it”

“What did you have?”

“Toast”

“How many pieces?”

“2, with butter”

“Hmm” 

Olivier stares at him for a bit too long and Granit tries to look innocent.

“What?” Granit says.

“Nothing”

Olivier sets about making his own breakfast and Granit can breathe again.

That’s how the next couple of weeks go, Granit wakes up early, has a yoghurt and coffee but pretends to have eaten more and Olivier’s none the wiser.

If he’s lucky Olivier’s out for either lunch or dinner but if not Granit had taken to preparing his own food. Olivier had tried to insist he make it but Granit had begged so finally he relented. He’d normally have soup for lunch but he’d make his own in bulk. Normally all manner of (low calorie) veg with some spices. Not the tastiest thing but low calorie and that was all that mattered.

For dinner he’d give in and let Olivier cook normally but then only eat a little, complaining he was full. Olivier sighed but then said ok and that was it.

If Olivier was out for a meal Granit would normally skip it and load up on water and coffee. He’d also take vitamins and supplements, as if that would help.

It seems to, he doesn’t feel as dizzy as he had done which is something.

He’d started counselling and seeing a dietician. He’d lie of course, saying he ate more than he had. Olivier had gone to one or two appointments but luckily for Granit most of the time he was busy so he went alone. 

He was made to keep a food diary. He lied in that too but thankfully Olivier didn’t know about that, let alone check it.

He was also keeping a food diary for himself as well, documenting what he actually ate and the calories. He knows what he’s eating isn’t enough, nowhere near but so far he feels ok. Sure he was a little tired most of the time and got a bit lightheaded but he tended to ignore it.

Something was going to give eventually and it does.

They’re on a team night out and of course he’d taken his own food diary with him. After dinner (soup, he only pretended to eat the bread) he goes off to the bathroom to write in it. He locks himself in a stall.

He hears someone come in looking for him. In his panic he drops the book and leaves the stall, forgetting it. He finds Aaron there.

“Hey” Granit says.

“Oli’s looking for you”

“Oh. I did tell him”

“He was worried”

“He shouldn’t be, I’ll go talk to him”

“Sure” Aaron smiles sympathetically as Granit walks out of the toilets.

Aaron does his business but as he’s washing his hands he notices a notebook on the floor in one of the stalls.

Curious, he goes to see what it is. He knows it’s Granit’s book, he can tell by the handwriting and the fact that was the stall he’d walked out of.

It’s open on one page and Aaron can’t help but skimming over it. At first he’s confused by the numbers but it doesn’t take long to realise what this is. It’s what Granit had been eating and god knows it isn’t enough. He’s barely eating 1000 calories some days.

He’d heard of Granit’s trouble with food but he assumed that was a thing of the past. Apparently not.

He hides the book in his bag and walks outside. He knows he needs to tell Olivier, he’d freak out, but he needed to know.

“Oli” He says.

“Yeah?” Olivier looks up from where he’s sitting with his boyfriend.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure”

“In private?”

“Ok” Olivier seems confused but even so follows Aaron to a quiet corner.

“I found this. It’s Granits” Aaron explains, showing him the book.

“Oh” Olivier takes it and reads a few pages “Oh no”

“Yeah. I’m sorry”

“I thought he was getting better”

“He hides it well”

“He does”

“What are we going to do?”

“I…I don’t know”


	6. Chapter 6

Olivier wants to talk to Granit. Hell, he wants to go over there and shout “why are you doing this? Do you want to die?” But he doesn’t. He waits. He needs a plan, and a good one at that.

He gets an idea one night when they’re video chatting with Taulant. Olivier remembers something Granit said about his brother helping him when it first started. Maybe he could help now.

He waits until the next day when Granit has a one on one training session (at the same time as worrying as to whether Granit would come home or whether he’d be called to the hospital).

Taulant’s worried. Of course he is.

“We’ll sort it” He says.

“How?”

Taulant thinks “I’ll call him ok?”

“Ok, I just hope it works”

“Me too”

Olivier hopes Taulant hurries up and calls him because he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. He assumes he calls him straight away when Granit bursts through the door an hour later shouting.

“Who told you? Why did you call my brother?”

“Granit, calm down”

“Calm down? You calm down! It’s my life, this has nothing to do with you ok? Leave if you can’t handle it”

Olivier wants to yell it does have something to do with him. It’s scaring him, hell, he’s terrified. But he just lets his boyfriend rant on and on, hoping he’ll calm down. He doesn’t. He storms out the door and Olivier lets him go. He’d come back eventually and maybe it was best to let him cool off a bit.

Even so, he sends out a message to his teammates to keep an eye out for Granit.

Granit doesn’t know where he’s going. He still doesn’t know the area very well and all he can think right now is how hungry he is.

He finds himself in a supermarket, buying all the food he can get his hands on. He takes it to a secluded area of the nearby parks and eats it, barely having time to chew with how quickly he’s eating it.

“See, I’m eating!” He shouts out “Are you fucking happy?”

Once he’s eaten most of it he sits there looking at the wrappers. What had he done? He doesn’t feel well and he guesses it’s something to do with how much he just ate and before he knows it he’s being sick, over and over until he imagines he’s thrown most of it up.

He feels even worse. Everything hurts. He lies down and sobs until he can’t anymore.

When he’s gotten himself together a bit he thinks. What was he going to do now? He knows he should go home but he doesn’t think Olivier would want to see him right now.

He walks around the park for a while and realises he must look a mess, as evident from the stares he gets.

Soon it turns dark and Granit really wants to go home but he can’t bare the thought of facing his boyfriend, especially after what he’d just done. Truth be told he still feels a little sick as well.

“There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you”

Granit turns around to see Shkodran looking at him.

“Why?” He asks.

“Oli’s worried, he said you just took off”

“Yeah, kinda”

Granit sits down on the bench that’s behind him and Shkodran joins him.

“I don’t know why he puts up with me” Granit admits.

“Because he loves you”

“I don’t see why, all I do is mess things up. I can’t even eat right”

“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just wants to help, we all do”

“I don’t want help”

“Please? You’re scaring us”

“I only want to lose a couple more pounds”

“You said that a few weeks ago and then what happened? You want to lose a few more” Shkodran points out.

“This will be it this time I promise”

“Granit look. This isn’t going to stop until it kills you ok? I’ve seen it happen before and I’m scared for you”

“Why? Why would you care?”

“Because I’m your friend”

“Thank you” Granit says in a quiet voice. Shkodran moves closer and puts an arm around him.

“Why don’t we get you home? It’s late and you’ve had a stressful day”

“I can’t, Oli will be mad. I said some stuff and his face…oh god his face. I doubt he even wants to look at me right now”

“That’s not true. He was worried, he’d been sending out messages asking us to look for you. He’s worried you’re mad at him, that’s why he didn’t look for you himself”

“Oh”

“Yeah, so come on, let’s get you home”

“Ok”

“That’s it”

Shkodran offers him a hand up and they start walking, Granit’s lagging behind a little.

“I feel awful” He complains.

“It’s not your fault, don’t worry”

“No, physically, I feel sick”

“Why?”

“I ate a load of food, I was sick. I guess I couldn’t handle it”

“No, you need to build up first, it’ll take time”

“I was just angry I guess”

“It’s ok, we’ll sort this but tonight you need rest alright?”

“I know”

They arrive back at Granit and Olivier’s house 10 minutes later and Shkodran knocks on the door. Olivier answers straight away.

“I found him” Shkodran says.

Olivier wraps his arms tightly around Granit.

“Oh god I was so worried. Thank you, thank you so much”

“No problem, I think you two have some things to talk about so I’ll go, see you tomorrow” Shkodran smiles and walks off.

“Let’s get you inside, you’re freezing” Olivier says, leading his boyfriend into the house “Where did you go?”

“To the park”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve spoken to you first, I just wanted to help”

“I know, I shouldn’t have overreacted”

“No. I am worried though”

Granit sighs “So am I”

“Look, you look exhausted and it’s getting late. How about we talk tomorrow ok?”

“Ok”

“We’ll sort this ok? I promise we will but you have to let us help you”

“I will. I can try”

“Thank you”

Granit’s happy to be in bed, cuddled up to Olivier. He feels much calmer now although he’s trying not to think about the future. He can’t get Shkodran’s words out of his head though ‘it’s not going to stop until it kills you’

He knows it’s probably true and now he thinks about it, it scares him. He didn’t want to die, but at the same time he didn’t want to get better.

He knows it’s one or the other though and if he has to make the choice he’d rather get better. In his tired state he decides that’s what he’ll do, try at least. But that was tomorrows problem. Right now all he wanted was sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo it's ma birthday!! i'm getting old :o

Granit spends a restless few hours tossing and turning. Tired as he was, he just couldn’t sleep. He had a million and one things on his mind, mostly about what he said to Olivier. He’d said some pretty awful things and he felt bad. Really bad.

He gets out of bed quietly and walks to the bathroom where he finds the piece of glass. He was calmer than the last few times he’s done it and for some reason it hurts more. Even so he makes a few more cuts. 

To his horror he realises he’s cut too low down and it won’t be covered by the short sleeved kit. Thankfully they’re not too bad so they’d probably fade quite well, it was just the next few days that would be a problem. And getting changed. He was an idiot he’d decided. A big idiot.

He covers it with plasters and a bandage and returns to bed. Olivier wraps an arm around him. Granit still can’t sleep and stares at the ceiling until morning.

Olivier wakes up around 8:30.

“How did you sleep?” He asks.

“I didn’t”

“What’s on your mind?”

“I’m sorry”

“What for?” Olivier wonders.

“For what I said yesterday”

“It’s ok”

“It’s not”

“It is, I know it wasn’t you”

“Thanks”

“We should have breakfast”

“Sure”

They head downstairs and Olivier puts the kettle on and toast in the toaster. Granit looks at it, he was going to eat it. He didn’t care how much he didn’t want to, he was going to eat it.

All too soon it’s ready. Granit spreads butter on the toast as Olivier makes them coffee. Granit drinks the coffee but stares at the toast.

“Come on” Olivier says “You can do it”

“Yeah…I can”

It takes about half an hour but Granit does manage to eat most of the toast.

“That’s it” Olivier says, rubbing his boyfriend’s arm.

After breakfast they get dressed ready for training. Granit’s nervous, what if someone saw his arm?

It was going to happen. Olivier spots it when they’re getting changed.

“Why did you do it?” He asks, voice low.

“Because I shouted at you”

“I told you, I’m not mad”

“I didn’t know that then”

“You should’ve woken me up”

“Sorry”

“It’s ok”

Thankfully it’s fairly cold so Granit can get away with wearing a long sleeved shirt. Granit’s exhausted so can’t wait until they get home.

As soon as they do get home it’s lunchtime but all Granit wants to do is curl up in bed.

“Come on, you need to eat” Olivier says

“I’m tired, I want to sleep”

Olivier considers

“Go to bed and I’ll bring you something” He says.

“Thanks”

Granit’s almost asleep by the time Olivier comes up with soup.

“I’m sleeping” Granit moans.

“Come on, it won’t take long”

“Fine”

Granit sits up, he just wants to go to bed so eats as quickly as he can. Even so it takes half an hour to finish.

When he’s done he curls up again and Olivier takes the bowl down.

“I’ll wake you up for dinner” He says, before kissing Granit’s forehead.

“Mm”

“Sleep well”


End file.
